Krewe Cuts 2005

Pimp: But, what if we get to heaven and we find out the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about? Mrs J.: Hey, I have an idea, lets play the game where for every mixed drink you have, you have to drink two cups of coffee (1-1-05)

Abbey: If you plug a hole, you're going to end up dealing with that hole for the rest of your life Pimp: No true 'er words have ever been spoken. (Abbey / Pimp Phone Call / 2-1-05)

Abbey: How pissed would you be if I didn't ride today? Mike: What are you going to do instead? Abbey: Drink in that bar over there Mike: That's a pretty lock tight excuse. (Parking Lot in Perry, Ia / Feb 5)

R.L.: So I guess "Feature Act" loosely translates to "Interpretive Dance". Mike: She sure has fine jazz fingers (R.L. / Beach Girls / BRR 2005)

R.L.: So is the Matrix based on a true story? Mike: Yes, but it hasn't happened yet (R.L. / Mike / BRR 2005)

Brennie: So who do you think is going to clean up all that wax? (Beachgirls / Brenny / Feb 5)

R.L: I am so freaking starving, this is the first thing I've had to eat or drink ALLLL FREAK'EN Day. Brennie: What about those deep fat fried fish balls you had around 11:30? Mike: Didn't you have some hush puppies with that? Brennie: Oh and you had 4 or 5 Bloody Mary's before we rode and 3 or 4 beers on the route. Mike: Actually, didn't you say you were at a McDonalds drive up when we called you in Ames? Brennie: And Abbey said you guys stopped for breakfast on the way up this morning? Mike: Come to think of it didn't you have some beef jerky and a Coke at the hotel before we came here? R.L. Ok, you both make good points, I guess I should have said, I'm so freak'en starving, this is the first thing I've had to eat since 7:45 tonight (Cracker Barrel / Des Moines / Feb 5)

Abbey: I'm afraid I might have accidentally stepped over my company's appropriate conduct policy last night. I pulled my co-worker over to my computer and said. " Come look at this bike I am bidding on. Gawd, I am so wet over this bike, I just don't know if I can handle not getting hold of that beautiful piece. " (email from Abbey / Feb. 05)

AJ: well ..... let me confer here with my Magic 8 Ball..(shake, shake, shake)...cannot predict now....(shake, shake, shake again), and .....outlook not good....)(for godsakes, what's a guy got to do, to dupe fate into letting him get a hand gun?) (email from AJ / Feb., 22)

Marty: My bionic knee feels fine, the rest of my body feels like hell (Ride De Shamrock/ 3-12-05)

Mike: I've got to find a spin class that some how replicates tugging a trailer full of beer and blow up dolls (Ride De Shamrock/ 3-12-05)

James aka "The Alley Cat": Hey ladies you ain't seen nutt'en yet, I still got another 5 inches I can go (Farley / 3-12-05)

Guy on the ground surrounded by 6 cops: "Oh Gawd, come on please let me go. I swear to Christ , if let me go now I'll be good. I promise. These rocks an pavement are so cold against my face, come on let me up. You cuffed me too tight, come on, back'em off sir " (there is no thin blue line in Dyersville my friend / 3-12-05)

R.L. : Why are you only looking out of your right eye? Marty: Because I can only talk to one of you at a time (Bad alcohol gave Marty blurry vision / 3-12-05)

A.J. I'm guessing you're going to try and pass this hot tub off as your bath aren't you R.L. I'm immersed in water aren't I? A.J. YOU HAVE TO USE SOAP TO CALL IT A BATH !!!!! R.L.: It's chlorinated water A.J: SOAP!!!!!! (Krewe Hot Tub @ one of the two Comfort Inn's/ 3-12-05)

Subtle Savage: We noticed that there was a cop car out by your bus this morning R.L. You didn't happen to notice if they had any dogs with them did you? (Breakfast @ the Comfort Inn / 3-13-05)

James: Did Mike tell you about the new gas powered mini chopper I bought to take on Ragbrai? John E: Oh so we can run to the store and get groceries? James: I was thinking more along the lines of smokes and booze, but yhea I don't see any reason why we couldn't get some groceries too. (Ride De Shamrock / 3-11-05)

A.J.: To those of you looking at my crotch while I was "sleeping" on the bus ride home, I saw you.  I timed your stares.  Greg's was by far the longest, most frequent, and most creepy (did someone check to see if he is a registered sex offender?).  (email / 1-14-05)

Abbey: I'm doing client calls, so I had to get dressed up in my big girl clothes today; pantyhose and all. I think I have found something I hate wearing more than underwear (voicemail / 4-4-05)

AJ: I've been inseminating Walleye eggs all week R.L. Kinky stuff there captain. How much something like that set you back? (phone call / 4-10-05)

Mike: Wow, TallyWhacker kind of popped up on me (phone call / 4-16-05)

John E: ......Damn right; let those pro cyclist try to make their bodies function on a steady diet of PBR and beef jerky all week. Given that, we're freak'en super human (email 4-19-05)

Abbey: "yank'em out like your startin' a lawn mower." (email from Abbey. Topic? How to removed throw beads lodged in tight places 4-19-05)

R.L.: Surprise!!!!! It's OUR new bike Lady J: Great, I'll ride it while I'm wearing OUR new tennis bracelet (pre TallyWhacker ride 4/23/05)

Tallywhacker Wagon Master: I've never seen someone go so slow, yet still not fall over....it's amazing (Tallywhacker 4/23/05)

Abbey: What am I supposed to do with this beer, I just opened it up ....I guess I could just put it in my rack A.J. I would like to see that. (Tallywhacker 4/23/05)

R.L.: Where are you at? Matty: Key West Florida my man R.L.: Really, have you received your southern most B.J. yet ? Matty: Whoooo........aaaa.....wait a second here.....let...me...aaaa take you off speaker phone here. Ok....yhea....there we go. We're in the lobby of this really nice restaurant so I'm going to have to call you back....if....that's...aaaaa???? Hey listen, I gotta go OK? BYE! CLICK (phone call / 4-29-05)

R.L.: Michael? Are you a giving lover? Mike: Allow me to answer your question with a question. Would you consider 1 minute 38 seconds generious? (phone call / 5-09-05)

R.L: What's up? John E: Oh, I just got done getting my chest waxed .....(5 second pause).....I know, it's going up on the website. (phone call / 5-13-05)

Big Mike: I had to dicker her, but she ended up giving it to me for a dollar. Mike jr: What did you do to her? (Bud / 5-21-05)

Abbey: Crap that hurt, I'm glad I landed on my fat and not something important. 10 pounds lighter and I might have been seriously hurt. (after crashing on Bud ride / 5-21-05)

A.J.: How did you sleep? Marty: Great, but you could have put me in middle of that driveway last night and I would have given you the same response.(Marty after having a little much night / 5-22-05)

R.L.: Great, I got french fry grease all over my new LIVESTRONG shirt (6-08-05)

A.J: Do you want to stop at the Amish Wal-Mart. R.L. Do you think they would have one of those old time derby hats A.J: I'm sure they do, but they only come in black (6-25-05 Tri-County)

Marty.: It's got to be a rough job being a tractor mechanic in middle of Amish country. (6-25-05 Tri-County)

A.J: Do you ever get a callus right here on your hand? R.L.: If you had to use as much lotion as I do, "callus" wouldn't even be in your vocabulary. (6-25-05 Tri-County)

A.J: I just got off the phone with the UPS lady, and she has my new bike on her truck. R.L. Finally A.J.: I've got a problem though. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to answer the door and sign for it. I have a large scale woody that's not appearing to go away anytime soon. (phone call / 7-01-05)

Mike: Crap, hold on a second....COOPER, SHUT UP. R.L. What's his problem? Mike: I don't know......Oh, You're not going to believe this. Cooper just chased a skunk into the barn R.L. How the Hell are you going to get that out ? Mike: BRENnnnddda Brenda: What ? Mike: come here and chase this black cat out of the barn; I'm on the phone (phone call / 7-06-05)

RL: How is your double century ride going? AJ: Oh, I would say I would put it in the category of epic RL: Like Homer's Odyssey? AJ: I was thinking more along the lines of the Cherokee's Trail of Tears or the Bataan Death March. (EvilWhore Double Century Ride / 7-9-05)

Bear: You're moist down there.  Abby: Yhea, You found my Moist Center of Gravity (M-COG) (EvilWhore Double Century Ride / 7-9-05)

James: Will the real slim shady please stand up? (ride out / 7-21-05)

Local: I ain 't no Holla back girl R.L.: Ya know, I've only been sitting next to you here for a couple minutes now, but I think you might just be a Holla back girl; have you asked any of your friends, you might be surprised? (Pizza Ranch)

Mike Sr: Hey ladies, do you want to see my helmet blink? (Ragbrai Sheldon / 7-24-05)

Sassy "Farm boy" Girl: What do you want on your Farm boy? R.L.: Everything Sassy: Onions? R.L.: No, I'm sorry, hold the Onions Sassy: So you lied to me? Why did we have to start off like this? (Farm Boys breakfast burrito stand)

Mike Jr: Well, at least if the party sucks we can walk home (Stranded in the country 5 miles outside of Sheldon / 7-24-05)

Local: If I were you, I would go out and buy a lottery ticket (Sheldon after a huge limb landed next to Jimmy's tent / 7-25-05)

R.L.: You didn't sleep next to James did you? Meg: Yhea, why? R.L.: I suggest you start taking the plan B pill for at least the next week. (Esterville / 7-26-05)

Annette: I have this Beadwhore thing on my inner thigh Marty: That thing doesn't answer to the name of James does it? (7-26-05)

Killer Bee Girl: So what do you have underneath your kilt? R.L.: Well, tonight I have on cotton underwear because I have a little saddle sore coming on and .... Killer Bee: Hey, wait stop right there. If a hot woman comes up to you and ask you what's under the kilt, you have to come up with a better answer than that. I don't care what you got going on under there. I mean that story there just made me throw up a little in my mouth. (Ragbrai / 7-26-05)

R.L.: Ok, I'm ready to be bonged, who wants to be the first to bong me? (Algona / 7-26-05)

Meg: James, can you come over here and show me how to work it? (Ragbrai Algona / 7-26-05)

Local: THIS WAS A GOOD DAY! (Weary local catches glimps of young woman flashing her mommy parts (Northwood / 7-27-05)

Marty: A.J. sure is going to great measures to prove he's not gay (Ragbrai / 7-28-05)

Local: Can I help you? R.L.: Do you have water where we can fill up our bottles? Local? Yes we do, it's #5 on the map. R.L.: Do you have a beer garden? Local: Yes we do, it's #2 on the map R.L.: Do you have a grocery store? Local: Yes we do, it's #8 on the map Mike: Do you have a massage parlor? (R.L. spits out water on unsuspecting passer by) (Lime Springs / 7-28-05)

Abbey: Marty, you always seems to have what I need (West Union / 7-29-05)

R.L.: There is a big hill there, I wonder why they didn't have us ride up the side of it? Marty: Because they want us to ride up that much bigger and longer hill over there. R.L.: Those evil bastards (Ragbrai / 7-30-05)

Good Looking Female Team Bus Driver: I've been noticing all of these beadwhore tattoos all week, do you think I could get one? R.L.: Sure, how about one on your inner thigh. (AJ starts to apply tattoo) Driver: Oh my.....Mercy.....Oh goodness....if I would have known it would feel like this, I would have got them in a much different place R.L.: You mean something a little higher? Driver: No when I said another place, I meant my tent (Gunder / 7-30-05)

Bob: Bringing a woman on Ragbrai is like bringing sand to the beach (Ragbrai / 7-30-05)

R.L. Did you know you can make cheese out human brest milk? Local: I find it odd that you would know that (route / 7-30-05)

Abbey: Your breath smells like hot salty nuts

R.L.: Mike, look at those HUGE people Mike J.R.: I think that is Shetland pony farm R.L: I think I might be having a sun stroke (7-30-05)

A.J.: I will gladly pay you next Tuesday for a Gunder Burger today (Gunder / 7-30-05)

James: Oh, I wish I can remember what you said last night, that was so funny (insert laughter) A.J.: Oh crap, what did I say, that was funny. What the hell did I say....It was something I say all the time and it's always funny when I say it (insert laughter) James: Crap, that was funny, what the hell was that? Crap, what the hell did you say? That was so funny last night. (insert tapering laughter) A.J.: Oh, I know what you are talking about, it was so funny at the time (chuckle. laugh, silence) James: Yep, it was funny, but I can't aaaaaaa....can't rember A.J.: Yep, it was funny (post ragbrai bus ride / 7-30-05)

New Bel Employee: Can I help you? Mike: We're here for the brewery tour. New Bel Employee: Oh....... well things really don't get started here until 10:00 am and it's..........only.........6:18 am. Do you think you could kill a couple hours? Mike: They would go a lot faster if we had some beer (Ft. Collins CO. / 9-23-04)

Transient: I've got Pamela Anderson locked in my bedroom at home Pimp: Sir, on behalf of every man between the ages of 15 and 55, I beg of you to let her go (Ft. Collins CO. / 9-23-04)

R.L.: You know, you don't hear good theriman anymore. (Ft. Collins CO. / 9-24-04)

Bryan: We put the water into a lagoon that's covered by a big white tarp that collects methane and then makes a big bubble. Mike: I conduct a little process very similar to that back in Iowa, don't I Brenda. (Ft. Collins CO. / 9-23-04)

TDF Attendee: Do you have a clown bike that doesn't do anything scary? (Ft. Collins CO. / 9-23-04)

R.L.: Sweetie, I'm sure what you just saw is very confusing, but you're going to take a class in 7th or 8th grade that should clear much of this up. (Ft. Collins CO. / 9-23-04)

Friend of Krewe: oh my gosh, you're a man whore. (Marty's House / 10/8/05)

AJ: Thats ok, he and I have this "GENTELMANS" agreement worked out. (Centerville / 10-9-05)
 
Marty: Sleep well and dream of large women. (Centerville / 10-9-05)

Krewe Kutz From 2004. (We were much funnier then)